This must be the next step of recovering from the split.   I feel horrible – lethargic…very tired. Unwilling to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and sleep. Wake, smoke. Listen to music. Watch films.   Sleep. That’s it.

It’s annoying because I’ll binge at least once and not purge. And it sucks. I’m tired of this. i just need a weekend up in Williamsburg with a smoking room.

I’ve been sleeping around 8. I haven’t been very productive either. It sucks. So exhausted. 

And to top that, I’m so fucking fat right now! Can barely fit a size 4. So I’m going to do what I know works: cigarettes, red bull, vivarin. No gum, though, because I know if I feel like binging, I’ll eat a whole pack as opposed to the two or three I usually limit myself to. Then I’ll be back to seeing my ribs. My God! Bones are so beautiful!

I just wish it wasn’t so fucking freezing outside.

Dear, GOD…....


 

There’s this guy I’ve always adored, but I don’t want him to think that if I show him so that I have been seeing him as a last-resort of any kind as opposed to just be scared of what he’d think of me in the first place. He always makes me happy, he always makes me smile. He is never rude to me. And I find it easy to respect him and treat him well. Maybe he knows who he is. Maybe he will see this and respond accordingly…  BUT if someone else I am not talking about responds, I will feel bad about that...


 

Cheers!

This is just more venting.  Sorry.

There were so many signs that pointed to how much I didn’t mean a thing to Chad, from last-minute changing of plans to not making any recognition concerning “monumental” events (i.e. my 21st birthday – he always makes deals like this with his fucking tutored students and takes them out when they have something like that….I got fucking nothing from that douche, not even a Happy Birthfuckinday, Joy.) 

God, I feel sick.

I’ve wasted too many tears on him, too much blood, too much scarring when I pitied myself for being neglected by him.  Too many unnecessary trips to the doctor to make sure I was okay.  Couldn’t even show affection in public, like he was embarrassed to be seen with me or as if he was hiding something.
I’m just too naïve sometimes, and I can be very optimistic and hope for things to improve and fix themselves.  Fuck.

Sorry for all the expletives…well, F-bombs.

I’m done for today.  I’m glad I didn’t see him today.  I’d really like to slug him.  Have him come by work...jump over the counter and kick his fucking ass.  That probably would have made several people's day just being I'm the little 5'1" Asian-Hispanic-Native American chicks and he's the huge 6'0" Caucasian-Puerto Rican.
Tired.  Good night.

still a bit pathetic and cynical, as usual.  but i am so tempted to look at the obituaries and hope to see chad's name listed.

i'll get over it, i know.  i just need to tomorrow and to be back at school and with friends.  i'm grateful to know i have such wonderful family and friends who care for me.  that's all i really need.  i am also grateful for guys who aren't creepers. 

i feel like learning the guitar and starting a punk or ska band again.  maybe the bass.   my GOOOD!  the bass is sexy.  hahahha.

i was just thinking about the time that i went to the orientation to complete my volunteer registration at Sentara.  i wore this black and white, hip, 60's-looking wrap-around dress, fishnets and hooker heels.  my boyfriend asked me a few days later "hey, did you wear fishnets at Sentara the other day?" and i go "yeah, am i not allowed to?" and he says "no, it's okay.  just saying you made a lot of male patients feel better that day." ;-D

i wonder if he thinks i cheat on him.  i know when we go places together, he's always saying i turn a lot of heads.  like the one time we went to Kotobuki.  we sat at the sushi bar.  chad said afterwards "wow, those guys at the sushi bar were checking you out the whole time.  i was afraid i was going to have to jump over the counter and show them who was 'ichiban'."

it's okay, chad.  no other man tempts me like you do.

"unofficially"

i'm an unofficial schizo
what say you about that
and remind me who you're speaking of
and with whom have you this chat
my second self is saying
that you're insane for your words
my other selves seem to agree
that you're totally absurd
we can't help it (i mean "i")
that you're slightly confuzzled
believe us (i mean "me")
we (oops! "i"), too,
are feeling a bit puzzled

"last chance, my dear"

what is this bull

i feel like shit

you hurt me so

keep up with it

i'll take you out

no mercy here

i've had enough

last chance, my dear

there's no one else

i hope you'll see

to follow up

to replace me

just treat me right

like i do you

love and respect

between us two

I want to live where it’s warm, like I used to.

I want to live where there are great beaches….maybe even blue water, but I won’t be too specific.

I’d love just Orlando/Kissimmee or Tampa Bay.

Then again, I have decided how I want to live my life otherwise:

1. BA in Theatre Education
2. Teach Theatre a bit in U.S. Urban schools
3. Licensure in English (Education)
4. Teach Theatre and English in U.S. Urban schools
5. Teach English in Japan (Theatre if possible or just for fun)

That’s it for now, I am hoping.

Or....I can just brush up on my German and Japanese (possibly learn other lingos) and become a Flight Attendant/Swinger if I don't find my proper mate.
 

I don’t know what's really going on.  I know it's not just me, and I’m not going to think to myself again 'maybe, I’m doing something wrong'.  Fuck that!  I may not be perfect, but I know for damn sure that no one else is - not even my significant other.

I love him, I do – or I did the last time I checked, but I won’t compromise for him all the time anymore.  If it’s not right to me, then hells no, boy!

So what now?  Many questions concerning him running through my head: Where am I in his life?  What AM I to him?  Is he or has he ever cheated on me?  Does he even CARE for or about me?

Apparently he’s out of town right now and won’t be back for a few more days.  No idea.  I am not the type of girlfriend who’s always wondering: Where were you?  Where are you going?  Who are/were you with?  What’s with the lack of communication?  I wonder if he knows that that makes me suspicious of his activities.  I thought things were going well.  I know I’m crazy sometimes.  He knows that.  We’ve discussed it, and I’m working on it for my own good, not so much for him…besides that fact that I don’t want to lose him unless he’s playing me.

I am just not ready to deal with him right now. 

It just hurts.  And I can’t take it anymore.

“Don’t you know my tears with burn the pillows? Set this place on fire ‘cause I’m tired of your lies!  All I needed was a simple ‘Hello,’ but the traffic was too noisy that you could not hear me crying!”

so i was craving only the most disgusting, fattening foods last night, BUT i told myself that if i resisted that i'd like the way i looked the next morning...

i actually listened to myself.  i am happy.  So I might see Chad tonight.  Tomorrow night for sure.  I had an exam today, so I didn’t see him yesterday.  He has a test tomorrow, so I might not see him tonight.

Dear Chad, I love see you….just think about you….just knowing I can call you mine...at least for now.  I love you.  Someday I won’t be so scared of potential rejection and let you know directly.

Work from 2 until 8 today.  Yes!  And I don’t look like a fat, disgusting mess as much as some days.  Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooor!!!!

i<3 you, Chad!

"hopelessly ill love you endlessly hopelessly ill give you everything  but i wont give you up i wont let you down"

Chad and I decided that we’re going to help two foreign exchange students celebrate Thanksgiving Day, since they have no one to be with.  One is Russian, the other Polish.  So Friday or Saturday, we will go grocery shopping, and then we will all cook.  Yay!  I’m so stoked.  This is very exciting.

By the way, I fucked up my fast yesterday.  HOWever, I did very well today.  I am so happy.  After I am done with this, I will sleep to ensure that I do not get tempted and eat something.  Two more days.  Then after the celebration with the exchange students, I will fast for a week or until the end of final exams.

Tomorrow is the last day of school until next week.  Then the following week, I have ONE exam.  AND THEN, I go to the Philippines to visit family.  Mangoes!  Caribou!  Rice paddies!  Provincial life!  And then Manila!  I am so0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0 fucking excited!  LOL!  What a geek.  What!  A!  Geek!

Once upon a time

I was a trippy wreck

Smoking weed & chewing ‘shrooms

Riding on my deck

I don’t remember ev’rything

‘cept I was real fucked up

Going to lotsa porno sites

Watching daily “Two Girls One Cup”

Then I encountered a leprechaun

Whose name is God, he said

Who told me that I have to change

And straighten out my head

He said I'd burn in hell

Unless I did this A.S.A.P.

So he took a gun and shot me dead

Now I live peacefully