ganznormal

"what what WHAAAT?!"

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 02:05:09 GMT

what with those damn cookies after going back to veganism and giving up smoking and going through depression and coming out of a 2-week fast.....i've gained weight in my fucking thighs, man! what the fuck?! haha. actually, i find it funny and relieved that i wear dresses often and love stockings. anywho, i was going to use lent as an excuse to fast for month, but i've met someone and have a date friday. we're going go-karting and then having dinner someplace. i'm very excited. so tonight i have an hour of cardio, 20 minutes of weights and 20 minutes of abs. then tomorrow and until dinner friday, i will resist from all things not H2O. lol.

at least i'm better at resisting again.

yay for discipline!

also, the week after next, i go up to The Burg and meet my roomies and get my costume fitting, so after whatever one meal i have saturday (it's my baby sister's birthday, so i'll probably make a fruit/veggie salad or something), i will fast so that i can get a small fitting and HAVE to stay tiny or otherwise i will have to buy any other uniform to replace the one first given to me.

i am excited to be doing cardio daily again. LOVE IT!

i am so stoked about Friday, too!

his name is Alex. ^_^

"I'm going to download porn on JD's laptop. Keithlee, watch."

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:36:01 GMT

yes!

did a 60-minute tae-bo cardio workout! 20 minutes of arm exercises. a 15-minute walk with my dog. kept up with water intake.

ate nothing at all.

feel excellent!

not even feeling tempted to eat.

now, homework and reading.

ciao ciao!

a box of negligees.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:41:25 GMT

v
e
g
a
n
.

i'm giving it up, smoking.
if i live a vegan lifestyle of eating, why not go all the way? no smoking.
you don't pollute the ground, then why pollute the air?

time to go back to healthy. diet & exercise.

self-control.

today's the day. not tomorrow, not next week. today.

you won't fail this time, i know it.

also, i'm going to become more athletic. run a 1/2 marathon. re-join rugby. volleyball.

"it's like killing a unicorn...with, like...a bomb"

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 01:54:11 GMT

This must be the next step of recovering from the split. I feel horrible – lethargic…very tired. Unwilling to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and sleep. Wake, smoke. Listen to music. Watch films. Sleep. That’s it.

It’s annoying because I’ll binge at least once and not purge. And it sucks. I’m tired of this. i just need a weekend up in Williamsburg with a smoking room.

I’ve been sleeping around 8. I haven’t been very productive either. It sucks. So exhausted.

And to top that, I’m so fucking fat right now! Can barely fit a size 4. So I’m going to do what I know works: cigarettes, red bull, vivarin. No gum, though, because I know if I feel like binging, I’ll eat a whole pack as opposed to the two or three I usually limit myself to. Then I’ll be back to seeing my ribs. My God! Bones are so beautiful!

I just wish it wasn’t so fucking freezing outside.

it's kind of odd...

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 06:40:55 GMT

but i simply LOVE cooking, especially baking, despite how much i hate food. i love to create, generally. my little sister is turning 11 next month, and i want to make her a kick-ass cake. idk what kind though. i know she likes lemon, but it's not very popular among her friends, i think. i will take a survey from them. in case, i will make a multi-layer cake. bottom, chocolate, middle will be marble, and top white or vanilla. i will make strawberry frosting but not a super-sweet recipe. it will be vegan but soy-free because she reacts to soy sometimes, and i will not risk that ever. i don't know what i will make yet, though. i might have to alter the frosting. or at least the colour, depending onthe theme. i will sketch it now.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:51:07 GMT

so i got the job at busch gardens, aye. went today for my orientation set-up and to turn in my documents and all, and this place is about an hour from home BUT i forgot my s.s. card. so i have to go back. hopefully, i can borrow my sister's car. i just need to bring my passport and/or birth certificate because i have misplaced my s.s. card somewhere in my unorganized, poor excuse for a room. haha.

i am very happy. i said i have a place to stay, but not really. i am going to nomad it like i used to. but much more wisely....uh....that makes some sense. it's going to be a good challenge. i think w&m has summer classes, so i will use their facilities and meet people and crash with random folks. i'm ridiculous, i know.

not really an epiphany, just a reminder...in a way...

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:29:46 GMT

Dear, GOD…....

There’s this guy I’ve always adored, but I don’t want him to think that if I show him so that I have been seeing him as a last-resort of any kind as opposed to just be scared of what he’d think of me in the first place. He always makes me happy, he always makes me smile. He is never rude to me. And I find it easy to respect him and treat him well. Maybe he knows who he is. Maybe he will see this and respond accordingly… BUT if someone else I am not talking about responds, I will feel bad about that...

Cheers!

"She burns like the sun. I can't look away."

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:27:35 GMT

This is just more venting. Sorry.

There were so many signs that pointed to how much I didn’t mean a thing to Chad, from last-minute changing of plans to not making any recognition concerning “monumental” events (i.e. my 21st birthday – he always makes deals like this with his fucking tutored students and takes them out when they have something like that….I got fucking nothing from that douche, not even a Happy Birthfuckinday, Joy.)

God, I feel sick.

I’ve wasted too many tears on him, too much blood, too much scarring when I pitied myself for being neglected by him. Too many unnecessary trips to the doctor to make sure I was okay. Couldn’t even show affection in public, like he was embarrassed to be seen with me or as if he was hiding something.
I’m just too naïve sometimes, and I can be very optimistic and hope for things to improve and fix themselves. Fuck.

Sorry for all the expletives…well, F-bombs.

I’m done for today. I’m glad I didn’t see him today. I’d really like to slug him. Have him come by work...jump over the counter and kick his fucking ass. That probably would have made several people's day just being I'm the little 5'1" Asian-Hispanic-Native American chicks and he's the huge 6'0" Caucasian-Puerto Rican.
Tired. Good night.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:25:06 GMT

still a bit pathetic and cynical, as usual. but i am so tempted to look at the obituaries and hope to see chad's name listed.

i'll get over it, i know. i just need to tomorrow and to be back at school and with friends. i'm grateful to know i have such wonderful family and friends who care for me. that's all i really need. i am also grateful for guys who aren't creepers.

i feel like learning the guitar and starting a punk or ska band again. maybe the bass. my GOOOD! the bass is sexy. hahahha.

can't sleep....must....sleep!

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 04:00:54 GMT

i was just thinking about the time that i went to the orientation to complete my volunteer registration at Sentara. i wore this black and white, hip, 60's-looking wrap-around dress, fishnets and hooker heels. my boyfriend asked me a few days later "hey, did you wear fishnets at Sentara the other day?" and i go "yeah, am i not allowed to?" and he says "no, it's okay. just saying you made a lot of male patients feel better that day." ;-D

i wonder if he thinks i cheat on him. i know when we go places together, he's always saying i turn a lot of heads. like the one time we went to Kotobuki. we sat at the sushi bar. chad said afterwards "wow, those guys at the sushi bar were checking you out the whole time. i was afraid i was going to have to jump over the counter and show them who was 'ichiban'."

it's okay, chad. no other man tempts me like you do.

NEUE ARBEIT!!!!! :3

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 02:31:21 GMT

i went to turn in my application and resume to work at busch gardens the summer.

turns out they were having a job fair. my was interested in "ride operator" and "culinary operations". i decided, since applicants for "ride operator" position had to be interviewed twice and i could only choose one position before the interview, i decided with culinary. i wanted to actually work with the food (prep., creation), so i had a choice between working in fabulous italian restaurant by the performance theatre (they really make their own pasta, etc. from scratch!) and the restaurant for the new Sesame Street area of the park. supposed to be, like, "dine with elmo" sort of thing. i chose to work for that, since (1) it's new attraction and (2) it permits for more interaction with people. how exciting! and it'll be outdoors! sooo excited! finally get a tan. hey, so i got hired on the spot! :3 i have to turn in my applications and get my information into the system, and i am done, baby! i love it! now........to borrow my older sister's car for work. glad she's done with school this semester and, since she'll be a teacher, she has summer vacation! wooooo! sounds lovely!

cheers, my loves!

p.s. i think chad's taking too long to reply. asshole...breaking me hearrrrt. oh well. there are others in the world. but chad will defnitely not be forgotten, that sweetheart.

:-*

a couple poems

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:18:57 GMT

"unofficially"

i'm an unofficial schizo
what say you about that
and remind me who you're speaking of
and with whom have you this chat
my second self is saying
that you're insane for your words
my other selves seem to agree
that you're totally absurd
we can't help it (i mean "i")
that you're slightly confuzzled
believe us (i mean "me")
we (oops! "i"), too,
are feeling a bit puzzled

"last chance, my dear"

what is this bull

i feel like shit

you hurt me so

keep up with it

i'll take you out

no mercy here

i've had enough

last chance, my dear

there's no one else

i hope you'll see

to follow up

to replace me

just treat me right

like i do you

love and respect

between us two

binging and purging for the past several hours.....shit!

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:09:52 GMT

n o
w o r d
y e t
f r o m
c h a d
.

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          f
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                          u
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                                 y
                                   ?

w.h.a.t.u.p.,.b.o.y.?.

1 d0nt w4nt 2 s33m p4th3t1c.

| i'd | definitely | appreciate | some | sort | of | response | . |

Come on, then. I know you're a lot more mature than leaving me hanging like this.

really, it just makes me feel even more abandoned and neglected.

"all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!"

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:00:50 GMT

I want to live where it’s warm, like I used to.

I want to live where there are great beaches….maybe even blue water, but I won’t be too specific.

I’d love just Orlando/Kissimmee or Tampa Bay.

Then again, I have decided how I want to live my life otherwise:

BA in Theatre Education
Teach Theatre a bit in U.S. Urban schools
Licensure in English (Education)
Teach Theatre and English in U.S. Urban schools
Teach English in Japan (Theatre if possible or just for fun)

That’s it for now, I am hoping.

Or....I can just brush up on my German and Japanese (possibly learn other lingos) and become a Flight Attendant/Swinger if I don't find my proper mate.

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:37:47 GMT

I don’t know what's really going on. I know it's not just me, and I’m not going to think to myself again 'maybe, I’m doing something wrong'. Fuck that! I may not be perfect, but I know for damn sure that no one else is - not even my significant other.

I love him, I do – or I did the last time I checked, but I won’t compromise for him all the time anymore. If it’s not right to me, then hells no, boy!

So what now? Many questions concerning him running through my head: Where am I in his life? What AM I to him? Is he or has he ever cheated on me? Does he even CARE for or about me?

Apparently he’s out of town right now and won’t be back for a few more days. No idea. I am not the type of girlfriend who’s always wondering: Where were you? Where are you going? Who are/were you with? What’s with the lack of communication? I wonder if he knows that that makes me suspicious of his activities. I thought things were going well. I know I’m crazy sometimes. He knows that. We’ve discussed it, and I’m working on it for my own good, not so much for him…besides that fact that I don’t want to lose him unless he’s playing me.

I am just not ready to deal with him right now.

It just hurts. And I can’t take it anymore.

“Don’t you know my tears with burn the pillows? Set this place on fire ‘cause I’m tired of your lies! All I needed was a simple ‘Hello,’ but the traffic was too noisy that you could not hear me crying!”

:)

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:46:52 GMT

so i was craving only the most disgusting, fattening foods last night, BUT i told myself that if i resisted that i'd like the way i looked the next morning...

i actually listened to myself. i am happy. So I might see Chad tonight. Tomorrow night for sure. I had an exam today, so I didn’t see him yesterday. He has a test tomorrow, so I might not see him tonight.

Dear Chad, I love see you….just think about you….just knowing I can call you mine...at least for now. I love you. Someday I won’t be so scared of potential rejection and let you know directly.

Work from 2 until 8 today. Yes! And I don’t look like a fat, disgusting mess as much as some days. Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooor!!!!

fuuuuuck!!!! >:[]

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:23:26 GMT

what the hell?! i was doing well with my fast until last night. for some reason, i was hungry and without guilt. and so i told my boyfriend that i'd eat with him when he finished tutoring. why?! the food was great - we had thai, my first time. and i was okay...didn't eat too much. but then i got home and binged the fuck out! i only was able to probably purge about half of what i ate because i felt bad that i had such a great meal, a great time with my boyfriend....only just to rid myself of it, like none of that time together was worth it. and i told myself i'd restart tooday, but so far i have had so much shit! all carbs! nothing healthy!!!

what the fuck fuck fuck!

i am sorry.

i need to smoke. i need to try to purge.

ciao, loves.

hmmm.....

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:41:51 GMT

happy december!

why does it sometimes seem much easier to begin something like fasting on the first of a month or a week or a day. i guess it's convenience. whatever. no matter. anyway, today begins my week-long fast. i might extend it to two weeks. i will see.

i leave in EXACTLY (time, too) two weeks for the Philippines! i will miss my boyfriend so much. at least my instinct tells me i can trust him. i love him so much. it's ridiculous. i think he will see me off.

i changed some courses for spring semester. i am excited.

hahaha. what's with the lack of explanation points to show my level of EXCITENESS?

hahahaha!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there they are.

:)

i<3 you, Chad!

"we can go to the tropics, sippin' on coladas. shawty, i can take you there!"

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 01:10:50 GMT

"hopelessly ill love you endlessly hopelessly ill give you everything but i wont give you up i wont let you down"

Chad and I decided that we’re going to help two foreign exchange students celebrate Thanksgiving Day, since they have no one to be with. One is Russian, the other Polish. So Friday or Saturday, we will go grocery shopping, and then we will all cook. Yay! I’m so stoked. This is very exciting.

By the way, I fucked up my fast yesterday. HOWever, I did very well today. I am so happy. After I am done with this, I will sleep to ensure that I do not get tempted and eat something. Two more days. Then after the celebration with the exchange students, I will fast for a week or until the end of final exams.

Tomorrow is the last day of school until next week. Then the following week, I have ONE exam. AND THEN, I go to the Philippines to visit family. Mangoes! Caribou! Rice paddies! Provincial life! And then Manila! I am so0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0 fucking excited! LOL! What a geek. What! A! Geek!

"Once upon a time..." fiction

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 01:22:26 GMT

Once upon a time

I was a trippy wreck

Smoking weed & chewing ‘shrooms

Riding on my deck

I don’t remember ev’rything

‘cept I was real fucked up

Going to lotsa porno sites

Watching daily “Two Girls One Cup”

Then I encountered a leprechaun

Whose name is God, he said

Who told me that I have to change

And straighten out my head

He said I'd burn in hell

Unless I did this A.S.A.P.

So he took a gun and shot me dead

Now I live peacefully

"who's on first."

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 03:22:29 GMT

those drinks....DAMN IT! i still feel and look alright in a proportional, healthy figure. but i miss when my pants would sag and my hips and ribs and clavicle would jut out and press out against my skin like it was nobody's business. I miss the darkness under my eyes. I know my bf wants me to be healthy. He knows I want to look deathly thin and bony. (I just remembered that I had some raspberry sorbet and fruits with him. AH! At least he’s a healthy eater.)

I haven’t tried to fast in such a loooong time. I know I have the willpower. But sometimes I feel like I have another person in my head who’s trying to tell me otherwise.

But I can do it. I’ve done it for almost two weeks. And I can do it again. Now with it being winter with more layers and more shivering still, I will not worry about people’s opinions when I get back to boniness.

Yes!

time to finish this paper. at least i have work tomorrow. less time to eat and think about eating. zoo on saturday. that's another four hours more of distraction. saturday evening i have a dance, so i can work out more. oh yeah gym tomorrow morning, so i have to go earlier so i can shower before class and work. i need to fix my bike. more sentara to get my mind off of food.

"love me, love me. pretend that you love me..."

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:34:00 GMT

i know he does. there's no pretending here. thank God. :-D

there’s a N.E.R.D. concert today. So much hype on ODU campus…especially since they’re playing right across the street and pharell is a local boy. Lol. i'm broke, though, so i'm not going. i had enough fun for today anyway. just have to wait until my older sister is done, then i go home and clean and work on my paper and sleep.

So I fucked up my fast a bit. Chad, that’s my boyfriend, and I decided to use our free time to spend together since my schedule and his are usually not so cooperative throughout the school week. So we had a few hours to kill, and we wanted to spend it together. So…..we were making a list of things we can do in south Hampton roads. Feeling like bad locals (or semi-locals), we only came up with a few ideas. Then we decided zoo or other. (as odu student, we get into the zoo for free). So he proposed: Heads = zoo; Tails = airport. Tails! Luckily, I LOOOOOOVE the airport for whatever reason. I think there are multiple reasons. Idk what now. I am still trying to get rid of the buzz from the drinks we had. I had fun. I love being with him, and I am glad every time we spend that shows we’re not a sex-based relationship. J I love Chad. I...FUCKING….LOVE…HIM!!!!!

Time to fast.

Ciao, my babies!

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:14:48 GMT

Haven’t had anything to eat yet. Day’s almost halfway through, so I’m pleased. I binged and purged terribly last night and then confessed to my dad. Today I woke and took a shower. I had that horrible face that displayed to everyone that I had a binge and purge session the previous night. Some reason, though, I was happy this morning. In a chipper mood. Until later on my way to school. My mom can easily find a way to piss me off. Whenever I am put into that situation, my stomach tightens and I want to puke and just act so violently.

I am such a fatass.

Oh, so i look in the mirror at school, and i was feeling ok with how i looked. still tired. look stoned and shit. but i didnt have a huge gut. yay.

Anyway, I got to school and received a text from my boyfriend asking to hang out. But if I hang out with him, I usually end up eating. Hopefully he’ll respect when I decline his invitation for lunch. But he has to eat. And if I don’t, he doesn’t. it makes me feel bad. Maybe I won’t have to decline. Maybe he won’t offer. I feel horrible. I don’t want to lose him because of a stupid infatuation to become thin.

It’s not stupid. It’s me being pleased with myself.

Come on, Joy. Write your paper. Avoid food. Chill with Chad. Sleep. Read. Study. Sleep. Sleep. Don’t eat.

stomach starting to growl. love it!

CW: 140

HW: 200

LW: 120

what the fuck?!

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:54:52 GMT

i honestly and ashamedly can say that I’ve been binging and purging, but i can still fit a lot of of my smaller clothes. i hate it when i can fit a 5 in one and not the 6. ~~what the hell?~~ i have to fast from tomorrow until friday. i will have to eat with my family thanksgiving day, but i will prepare fruits and veggies....or just have a looot of h2o all day until they eat. i am so sick of myself and my eating habits. the fluctuation. the self-hatred. the disappointment.

I HAVE to get get back on my feet! I have to! I don’t want to be fat again, and I know I will only be happy when I am at a weight I like. Even the love for and from my boyfriend wont suffice. I don’t let myself. It’s sad and pathetic. Just so.

Oh yeah. I’ve already registered for spring 2009. Theatre ed major now, as opposed to English ed. I need an ed.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:04:18 GMT

with the exception of the constant odd aftertaste in my mouth from consuming only my vegan multi-vitamins, i am extremely happy with where i am right now:

i can fit my size 6 clothing again (with even loseness!!!); i am able to spend time with my family and friends and still stay on track with school and other endeavours; i am further pursuing my career as a college student - once i finish with my english teaching degree, i am going into culinary school; i have a loving and caring and ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL boyfriend; and i am almost done with the whole bankruptcy filing - only two more short forms to complete. ^_^